It was late at night, the light on the bedside table was dim, and I was staring at the ceiling, my mind a little foggy.
“Boom!” Suddenly thunder rumbled outside, the floors of the block were high and widely realized, the curtains were not drawn. The blinding and horrific lightning was one after another, extraordinarily ominous.
It didn’t take long for the rain to pour down, and as it tilted down, I closed my eyes and tried to force myself to sleep.
But the more I tried to sleep, the more I couldn’t. Lightning after lightning lit up the room, so I got up and got out of bed.
I went out to the balcony and pulled the curtains up, and as I turned back towards the bed again, I turned coldly on the toffee chair and fell unsteadily to the floor.
My knees were sore from the impact and it took me half a day to get up from the floor, before I could move to the bed.
“Boom!” A thunderclap came down and the lamp on the bedside table suddenly went out.
There was no light in the whole room for a while, and the sound of thunder outside was mixed with the sound of rain.
The room was so dark that I couldn’t see my fingers. I lay on the floor and stiffened violently, as if my whole body had gone back to that night.
My legs and hands were tied up and I tried to move, but I couldn’t.
Fear and black grief began to spread in my heart, and in the darkness of the room I seemed to hear the cries of a child, one more miserable than the other.
I tried to get to it, but I couldn’t get up off the floor, and suddenly, somehow in my head, I thought of death.
If I died, I could follow the child. Thinking of this, I groped and stumbled and crawled into the living room.
Because it was dark, I tipped everything onto the floor, making a splintering sound.
I didn’t know where Gu Han had put the knife, so I had to search randomly, but I couldn’t find it.
The baby’s cries came again, as if they were close to me and far away, and I couldn’t think about it so I chased after them.
When I regained consciousness I realised that I didn’t know what I was doing and I was on the pavement.
The rain was pouring down, there were no pedestrians on the road, only cars coming and going, I was a bit run down, I had no idea what was happening to me.
Many times I couldn’t control myself, I was always hallucinating, I always saw the boy and I could hear the boy’s voice.
I wanted to follow him but when I did I couldn’t find him and I lost myself.
Looking at the cars coming and going on the road, I was a little desperate, and this was the most lucid time I had tried to kill myself since I had been ill.
I would only be dragging others down with me now, unconsciously, as I took one step at a time towards the centre of the road.
I looked up and saw a white light in front of me, and my mind went blank.
The car was about to crash into me when my waist was violently tugged and pulled to the side.
Falling to the ground, all I felt was dizzy and all I could think about was the baby.
Words mumbled, “How did I lose him, how did I lose him.”
With that, the tears had broken.
“It’s okay, it’s okay, we’ll have it again later!” A low, hoarse voice pierced my ears and I was pulled closer into a warm embrace.
I froze and raised my eyes to meet Fu Shenyan’s dark, night-like eyes, and my brain exploded, so I raised my hand and pushed him away, stumbling to get up from the ground.
She ran aimlessly, just wanting to get away from him.
“Shen Shu!” Fu Shen Yan was faster than I was, and he pulled me into a tight embrace with such force that I didn’t even have room to move.
I was trembling, every cell of my body wanting to push him away.
Gu Han was not there and I could not beg anyone, so I just stubbornly stiffened up and let him hold me.
The rain got heavier and heavier, and I lost more and more strength, my head getting dizzy.
When I woke up again, I was in the hospital.
I looked sideways and saw Fu Shenyan’s haggard, mournful face, but even so, he was still handsome.
Perhaps he was too tired and fell asleep on the edge of the bed.
Was he the one who brought me to the hospital?
The thought gave me a headache and I fumbled to get up, probably too loudly, and he jerked awake.
When he saw me about to get out of bed, he got up and pushed me back down, his eyes sinking, “Get some rest, the doctor will be here later for an infusion!”
I frowned, my heart surging with irritation and uneasiness, taking him off my shoulder and saying unsteadily, “Fu Shen Yan, I want you to stay away from me, far away, can’t you hear me?”
I can control my anger when I’m around Gu Han, but not when I’m around Fu Shen Yan, I’ll go to extremes to bring him and Lu Xinran together, exposing the darkness and hatred I’ve suppressed so deeply in my heart.
Seeing my sudden anger, Fu Shen Yan was a little disoriented for a moment, but only for a moment, he steadied his emotions and looked at me soothingly, “Okay, don’t get angry, I’ll go, but you’ll need an infusion and medication later.”
“Shen Yan, I’m done checking!” A voice came from outside the ward, it was Lu Xinran.
In just a second, she came in with her medical record book in her hand, and when she saw me, the corners of her mouth rose and she said very warmly, “Sister Shen you’re awake? Are you feeling better?”
I didn’t want to see her, especially her bulging belly, which was like a sharp knife that stabbed me fiercely every time it appeared.
The sadness of that night came to my mind, and I gritted my teeth in hatred, my heart was so oppressed that I picked up the object on the bedside table and smashed it at Lu Xinran without looking at what it was.
Lu Xinran was so scared that her face turned white, but Fu Shenyan reacted quickly and stepped in front of her, and the object smashed into Fu Shenyan’s back.
I gnashed my teeth in hatred, the darkness in my heart was like water breaking the bank, all I could think of was that I wanted them to die, all those who had hurt me had to die, I wanted them to bury my child.
Looking at Lu Xinran’s stomach, I grimaced, “Lu Xinran, my child is dead, and you don’t want to be better off, you and your mother will be buried with him!”
“Shen Shu, you crazy person, what are you talking about?” Lu Xinran was so frightened by this that she simply stopped pretending.
I pressed down my anger and held my hands in a death grip, “Crazy? When your mother did it, she should have thought of how I, a madman, would take revenge on you.”
Glancing at a chair, I lifted it up and smashed it at Lu Xinran, who shrieked in fear.
“That’s enough!” Fu Shen Yan was so tall that he snatched the chair out of my hand and looked at me incredulously, “Shen Shu, what’s wrong with you? Why have you become like this? The baby is gone, we can have another.”
“Heh!” I laughed coldly, tilted my head and looked at him coldly, placed my palm in front of him and said word for word, “Fu Shen Yan, you said lightly that there is no more, and lightly that we can have more? You are so relaxed, just sow the seeds, no need to suffer the fortune of October.”