I opened my mouth, originally I didn’t want to go, but after thinking about it, I went anyway, one has to live, doesn’t one?
In late autumn, it was dark early, and Gu Han’s good looks drew a lot of attention when he wandered around the neighbourhood, especially from young women who were also out for a walk.
Tired of walking, I sat down on a lounge chair under a street lamp and looked up at him, “The girl who marries you in the future must be especially happy,” he said.
He raised his eyebrows, his hands in his pockets, and said, somewhat casually, “Are you happy now?”
I froze, unaware that some memories were starting to flood back, and for a moment I scowled.
Sensing my emotions, he sighed slightly and made it to my side, patting me on the back, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know there was a heart!”
I shook my head, it wasn’t even about him, I just couldn’t get past myself, how I couldn’t get past it, how I couldn’t get out when I was dead in my memories.
“Did you leave …… him a posthumous photo?” I opened my mouth, my voice a little choked up, my hands unconsciously trembling a little.
He pursed his lips, raised his hand to wipe my tears, and sighed silently, “Don’t look, it will be fine later!”
In the end I didn’t even have the courage to go and bury the baby myself, to see what he looked like.
Gu Han said it was a boy, four pounds and six, white and chubby, quite cute.
I couldn’t go to see him, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to control myself and go with him, I was afraid that if I saw him, I wouldn’t be able to let him go into the ground.
“Okay, I won’t look!” I lowered my eyes, my palms pinching a little.
It was getting late and the night was a little cooler, so Gu Han got up and helped me, “Walk back! It’s cold outside.”
I nodded and walked slowly with him towards the community building.
When I looked up at him, I saw him looking eerily ahead of me.
I froze at the sight of the visitor, how could Fu Qingyin be here?
When he saw me and Gu Han, Fu Qingyin quickly walked towards me and Gu Han, took me from Gu Han’s hands and helped me, “Xiao Shu, where have you been all these days? What’s going on? Where is the baby?”
Her series of questions overwhelmed me, and I instinctively looked at Gu Han, who frowned.
Looking at Fu Qingyin, he said in a deep voice, “What’s the matter with you coming here?”
Fu Qingyin froze and looked at him with knitted brows, “Ah Han, why are you and Xiaoshu together? Why haven’t you come home these days? What’s going on? Shen Yan is going crazy trying to find Xiaoshu, is it appropriate for you to do this?”
Gu Han laughed coldly, his voice was like dipping into ice, “He’s going crazy looking for Shen Shu? Are you treating us all like idiots?”
“Ah Han!” Fu Qingyin was a little angry, “Watch your wording!”
“My wording?” Gu Han laughed coldly, “If you want people to know, you have to do it yourself, go and tell Fu Shen Yan that Shen Shu doesn’t need him, tell him to stay away from Shen Shu.”
Seeing that there was no way to communicate with him, Fu Qingyin took my hand and said, “Little Shu, if you have some bitterness and don’t want to see Shen Yan, you should go back with your aunt, don’t stay here, Ah Han is an unmarried man, you are a married man, this capital city is crowded with people, in case someone with an intention to capture it, the Gu family and the Fu family’s face, it’s not good to say!”
“Heh!” Gu Han laughed extremely sarcastically, “Now you know how to save face? Haven’t you already lost the face of the Gu and Fu families? What, now you still want to come here to shake it off?”
These words were like a slap on the face, hitting Fu Qingyin so hard that she was speechless.
I was in bad shape, pushing Fu Qingyin’s hand away, unable to say a word, unable to answer a word, and hurriedly walking towards the entrance of the district.
Fu Qingyin called after me and tried to catch up with me, but was pulled back by Gu Han, who spoke in an extremely loud voice, “Enough, do you think your Fu family has not hurt her enough? The child died two months ago on the night Fu Shenyan and Lu Xinran got engaged, she was suffocated alive. Where were you when she was locked up in the warehouse struggling to survive? The child is dead, the old Shen Shu is dead, and the one she is now has nothing to do with the Fu family.”
I froze in place, looking at Fu Shen Yan who stood straight in front of me, his eyes scarlet and face sunken in pain under the night.
Behind me was Gu Han’s furious voice, “Go back and tell Fu Shen Yan to stay away from her, or I’ll beat him up every time I see him.”
Fu Shen Yan looked at me and walked towards me step by step, I couldn’t move a step, the pain in my heart was torn so much that I was trembling.
“What’s wrong, child?” He spoke, his voice pressed extremely low with indescribable emotion.
I opened my mouth, unable to utter a single word.
Gu Han followed me up, and when he saw Fu Shen Yan, anger surfaced on his face, “The child died, suffocated alive because it couldn’t be born, Fu Shen Yan, are you satisfied with this answer?”
“You shut up!” Fu Shen Yan was furious, his eyes scarlet, suppressing his emotions, looking at me word by word, “Shen Shu, tell me, what happened to the child?”
I tried to speak, but my heart hurt so much that I couldn’t say a word, so I could only look at him.
After a long time, I took a breath and said, “It’s dead!” Two words were enough to kill me.
Fu Shen Yan’s tall body took a step back, seemingly unsteady, as he looked at me, a faint starlight glinting in his dark eyes.
I knew that he was crying.
He used to say to me that one should not cry all the time, and that if one is only hurt, there is nothing to cry about.
People don’t cry unless their hearts are broken.
I was so overwhelmed that my mind began to spin, and realising that something was wrong, I reached out, pulled Gu Han with me, and said in a very small voice, “Take me back!”
Seeing that my situation was not right, Gu Han’s eyes sank and he carried me into the neighborhood and back home.
He let me take my medicine, put me on the bed and soothed me, “Don’t think about it, they don’t blame you, they just don’t even know the pain you’ve suffered.”
I didn’t say anything, and tears began to flow uncontrollably down my face.
Life was so hard, so bitter!
At two in the morning, Gu Han received a call that Gu Hengyang’s condition had worsened and he was in the emergency room.
Before he left, he didn’t worry about me and left a mobile phone by my side saying, “Sleep at ease, call me if you need anything, I’ve saved Li Muzi and Qiao En’s phone numbers inside, if you can’t sleep, call Qiao En and talk to him.”
I nodded and gave him a light smile, “Go ahead, be safe on the way!”
He nodded and hurried out.
I wasn’t able to fall asleep, which had been a common occurrence over the past few months, originally relying on medication to sleep through the night, but taking too much was bad for my health.
The anti-depressants, which Gu Han was worried I would also become dependent on if I took too many, only let me take them when my emotions were difficult to control.