Maybe it’s a selfish thought, but I really want him, and he’s the first person I’ve ever wanted to dig in and get for the first time in my life.
I don’t want to go abroad, Arjun pulled in an investment today, there’s hope for Junran, it’s Arjun’s heart and soul.
I don’t want to part with Arjun either, I don’t want to leave him for a second.
It’s still in the early stages and the doctors say I have about eight years to live if my medication is well controlled.
I don’t want Han Kun to know about this. He stammers and cries and asks me to forgive him every time, but I don’t hate him, so why does he always want me to think of him so much.
But to protect him, I will continue to work with Ge Lao. Ah Jun said that there cannot be a true ally in this jianghu, only when the strength of each side checks and balances each other, the jianghu will throw in the towel and be peaceful for a while.
24 November Sunny
I got married today, so I’ll make a note of it.
The illness is well under control, only today Han Kun still knows about it.
He really did cry and cry, eh.
Father didn’t come, but my little sister came to see me.
I knew my little sister had come to bless me, and as a child she told me that if I married a ginger, it might be the only way to keep myself safe.
If the Ji and Jiang families joined forces, the rest of the Jianghu would not dare to touch me.
I didn’t want to live that much as a child, but now I want to live so badly that, apart from the Jiang family, Arjun can protect me.
Also Elder Ge gave me another way, maybe that notebook could get me out of the impasse I was in.
But what should I do with that notebook? Maybe I can use her ……
This page of the diary is particularly full of writing, but it ends abruptly, and I wonder who my mother is really talking about when she says she is.
I also didn’t think that my mum would get sick and her memory would fail so badly that she might one day not remember anyone.
I’ve forgotten so much from my childhood that I don’t remember how my mother’s memory is.
I only remember that my mother was no different from any other woman except that she was very pretty, gentle and virtuous.
I wouldn’t have believed it if Jiang Ming hadn’t told me himself that my mother almost killed him.
I read on, but to my surprise, the next few pages were brief.
February 21
Jiang Ming is really annoying and thinks of ways to harass me every day. For the sake of having played with him as a child, I don’t want to get on his bad side, but he always gives Arjun a hard time and I get really angry.
I discussed with Han Kun to find a chance to teach him a little lesson.
Maybe he needs to be scared. What is he afraid of? Afraid of dying.
3 January
I’m going to the thoughtless mountain tomorrow. The city of Tong has been unsettled lately, so Arjun is accompanying me.
Jiang Ming is also in a bad situation. He has not learned his lesson from the last time, and is still looking for trouble with Arjun.
He was lucky he didn’t die last time. If he treats Arjun like this again, I will make up my mind to kill him next time and not wait for Jiang Yunqing to come over.
Elder Ge’s health is getting worse and worse, and Elder Mo asked me to visit him more often.
Because of what happened that night in Jiangzhou, Jianghu has become less and less scrupulous about the Ji family and the search for the last of the Yin children has become more blatant.
On the rare occasion that my father contacted me, it was probably about this, but Arjun hung up the phone straight away.
Arjun took me to the Thoughtless Mountain, where his master was based and where it was relatively safe.
I don’t know if Xiaochao likes it. Xiaochao is a very well-behaved boy, just a bit weak.
8 July, heavy rain
Don’t be afraid.
But Father, why do you do this to me.
Anyone is more important than me, right?
10 July Rain
I’ve planned it, Han Kun doesn’t agree, but there’s nothing better to do at the moment.
Since Jiang Ming hates me so much, let’s give him a chance to kill me.
Anyway, I can’t delay my illness.
Ah Jun said he would accompany me. I actually didn’t want Ah Jun to accompany me, what about Xiao Chao, I can’t take Xiao Chao with me.
But I am so selfish. Little Chao, you have to forgive your mother when you grow up.
After reading this diary, I felt like I had been struck by a lightning bolt in my head.
My mother knew that she knew all along that Jiang Ming was going to kill her.
Han Kun also knew that my mother knew, so this was all more of a planned suicide by my mother than Han Kun going along with it.
No, that’s ridiculous too!!!
It was Jiang Ming who killed my mother, it was Han Kun, yes it was both of them!!!
My tears fell drop by drop onto the paper of my diary, which was so tightly torn by my hands that I almost shredded it.
But it was my mother’s writing, every single stroke, and it would never be wrong, and even if I would have been wrong, Han Kun would not have been wrong.
No wonder Han Kun wouldn’t let me investigate and wouldn’t show me the diary.
My tears fell uncontrollably, as if someone had stabbed my heart to pieces with a knife.
How could this happen?
Not only had she killed herself, she had also killed my father, leaving me alone in the human world to be abused by Zhang Mei for decades.
Jiang Ming had said he could never think of a more ruthless woman than Ji Yanran, and I now think he was absolutely right.
I have never cried so much since I became a soldier. I’ve never cried so much since I became a soldier. A man’s tears are not lightly shed, but he has not yet reached the point of sadness. I’m a lot like what my mother said about Han Kun at this point, a sniveling sissy.
The room wasn’t particularly well soundproofed and I didn’t want the other snow leopards to hear me, gritting my teeth and the sound of pain spilling out of my throat like a wounded beast.
And so I did, crying until I fell asleep, and when I woke up it was completely dark.
I saw a figure on the sofa in one corner of the room, and when I saw me about to sit up, the figure whispered, “Lie down.”
“Han Kun.”
Han Kun let out a long sigh and fiddled with the six pages in his hand.
“I thought about it and thought about it, and I think you have this, and sure enough. You must have read them all.”
I nodded, my throat unbearably hoarse and my eyes swollen.
As a hard-blooded man, I could hardly stand the crying and sobbing, but as strong as I was, my heart was made of meat.
“Ai.” Han Kun let out another long sigh, “I really don’t want you to see this. But you just had to see it, and sometimes, knowing the truth may not be the best outcome. The truth is ugly.”
Bitterness flooded my heart.
The saddest thing on the battlefield was to be betrayed by a comrade, and in life, I’m afraid I couldn’t find anything more horrible than what I was going through now.
“Tell me all you know, I already know so much anyway.” I said hoarsely, “Don’t be using any excuses about what’s good for me. My mother should have thought of what would happen to me when she abandoned me and went away.”
“No, you don’t fault your mother, she probably really didn’t know. She was raised to be my double and knew at a young age that she was going to be abandoned by her family when she grew up.
